Index
Considerations
- How will you make decisions once you are married?
- What will you do when you find you cannot agree?
- When you are ill, how much sympathy and attention do you desire?
- What does being taken care of look and feel like to you?
- How much time do you expect to spend with your friends after you are married?
- How will you relate to opposite-sex friends after you are married?
Finances - Who will be the primary financial provider in the family?
- Do you anticipate both husband and wife pursuing careers? If yes, for how long?
- How will you decide on major purchases?
- Who will pay the bills and keep the checkbook?
- What is your philosophy of giving (to your church or other charitable organizations) and how will you make decisions about giving?
- What are your convictions about the use of credit cards?
Home - Where do you want to live?
- In what setting would you want to live (i.e., city, suburb, small town, rural, plains, mountains, desert, coastal, etc.)?
- What do you expect your standard of living to look like after five years of marriage?
- How soon after you are married do you expect to have your home reasonably furnished?
- What does "reasonably furnished" mean to you?
Housekeeping - Who will prepare each meal and what types of food will you eat?
- How important are family mealtimes to you and why?
- How often will you eat out?
- How clean do you want your home to be? What does "clean" mean to you?
- Who will do each of the following:
- Laundry & ironing?
- Purchasing groceries?
- Automobile maintenance?
- Home repairs and yard work?
- General household cleaning?
- Cleaning bathrooms?
- Making the bed?
- Do you want a pet in the home? If so, what type?
Children and Parenting - What is your attitude toward children?
- When will you begin having children and how many would you like to have?
- What would you do if you cannot conceive children of your own?
- What is your view on abortion?
- What is your view on birth control?
- Who will be the primary nurturer/caregiver of your children?
- How will you discipline your children?
- How do you envision sharing that responsibility?
Socializing and Entertainment - How often do you want to invite people to your home?
- What kind of entertaining do you expect to do (i.e., formal or informal dinner, lavish or simple parties, etc.)?
- How often will you go out on dates?
- What will be the role of television in your lives and what guidelines will you have?
- What about movies?
- How will your personal friendships (his friends/her friends) change after marriage?
- What hobbies or recreational pursuits will you pursue individually or together and how often will you pursue them?
- How do you feel about having alcoholic beverages in your home?
Holidays, Vacations and Special Occasions - Where will you spend Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter? How will you decide?
- What expectations do you have for celebrating holidays?
- What will you do during your vacations?
- How will you celebrate birthdays and wedding anniversaries?
- How much will you spend on gifts for family, friends and each other?
- How will you spend your weekends?
Parents and Other Relatives - How do you think your relationship to your parents will change after you are married?
- How much time do you anticipate spending with your parents and your in-laws?
- What other relatives do you expect to be involved in your marriage and family (siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins)? In what ways would they be involved?
- How involved do you want your parents and in-laws to be in your children's lives? How will you accomplish this?
- What type of relationship do you expect to have with your parents and your in-laws after marriage?
Reasons to Marry Give five reasons why you think now is the right time to marry each other. Previously Married? - If you are divorced, why did you get a divorce?
- Have you sought reconciliation with your former spouse? If so, how? If not, why not?
- Give three reasons you are confident you have gotten over your previous marriage and are ready to marry again.
- Give three reasons you may be unsure.
Planning Children - Parental Wisdom Questionnaire (Answer the following questions as if your child is asking them) - What strengths do you see in my life that will help me in marriage?
- What weaknesses do you see in my life that will be a challenge for me to work on and overcome in my marriage?
- If you could give me one piece of advice about marriage (based on what you did right or did wrong), what would it be and why?
- What is your best advice to me in the following areas as I embark on this new adventure called marriage?
- Finances
- Communication
- Sex
- Husband/Wife roles
- Commitment
- Humor
- Parenting
- Spiritual Growth
- Priorities in life
- Work
- Other
- If you could keep just one memory, experience or time together in all of your married life, what would it be and why?
- Is there anything special or meaningful to you that you would like us to include in the wedding ceremony?
- How do you anticipate my relationship with you, as my parents, will change now that I am marrying and establishing a new family and home?
- How would you like us to handle holidays?
- If we have children, how involved would you like to be in their lives?
- Would you like us to drop in unannounced or call before visiting?
(Answer the following questions as if your future son-in-law or daughter-in-law is asking them) - What are some qualities you see in me, or know about me, that make you think I am the right person for your son/daughter to marry?
- What unique and personal advice would you give me about your son/daughter that will help me be the life partner he/she needs?
- What would you like me to call you after we are married?
Red Flags Any relationship will have its difficulties, but sometimes those difficulties are indicators of deep-rooted problems that, if not addressed quickly, will poison your marriage. If any of the following caution signs exist in your relationship
I recommend you talk about the situation as soon as possible with a minister, counselor or mentor:
- You have a general uneasy feeling that there is something wrong in your relationship with your fiancée.
- You find yourself arguing often with your fiancée.
- Your fiancée seems irrationally jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.
- You avoid discussing certain subjects because you're afraid of your fiancée's reaction.
- Your fiancée finds its extremely difficult to express emotions, or is prone to extreme emotions (such as out-of-control anger or exaggerated fear) or swinging back and forth between emotional extremes (such as being very happy one minute, then suddenly exhibiting extreme sadness the next).
- Your fiancée displays controlling behavior. This means more than wanting to be in charge - it means your fiancée seems to want to control every aspect of your life; your appearance, your lifestyle, your interactions with friends or family, etc. Your fiancée seems to manipulate you into doing what he or she wants.
- You are continuing the relationship because of fear - fear of hurting your fiancée or fear of what he or she might do if you ended the relationship.
- Your fiancée does not treat you with respect. He or she constantly criticizes you or talks sarcastically to you.
- Your fiancée is unable to hold down a job, doesn't take personal responsibility for losing a job, or he or she frequently borrows money from you or friends.
- Your fiancée often talks about imagined aches and pains, going from doctor to doctor until he or she finds someone who will agree that he or she is seriously ill.
- Your fiancée is unable to resolve conflict. He or she cannot deal with constructive criticism, never admits a mistake and never asks for forgiveness.
- Your fiancée is overly-dependent on parents for finances, decision-making or emotional security.
- Your fiancée shows a pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing questionable behavior or twisting words to his or her benefit.
- Your fiancée exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse toward you or others. If he or she has ever threatened to hit you or actually struck you, this is warning sign of future abuse. If he or she puts you down or continually criticizes you, this is a sign of emotional abusiveness.
- Your fiancée displays signs of drug or alcohol abuse; unexplained absences or missed dates, frequent car accidents, he smells of alcohol or strong odor of mouthwash, erratic behavior or emotional swings, physical signs such as red eyes, unkempt look, unexplained nervousness, etc.
- Your fiancée displayed a sudden, dramatic change in lifestyle as you began dating. (He or she may be changing just to win you and will revert back to old habits after marriage.)
"Think Again" Checklist You should seriously think again about marrying out of your faith if: You secretly hope maybe someday your partner will convert. You feel an affectionate (or not) contempt for anyone who could really believe that guff (otherwise known as your partner's religion). You tell yourself your partner's not as bad as most of them. You figure that how you raise your kids will work itself out, and besides, maybe you won't have any. You think that what your parents think doesn't matter. You think what society thinks doesn't matter. You think religion doesn't matter to you, and never will. Talk about religion makes you nervous, bored, embarrassed, or angry.
| |
